Ways to provoke and annoy the Volturi
by Alyssa105
Summary: This is a list of ways to annoy the Volturi. Please read, and review. Its sort of funny.
1. the 51 ways to annoy the Volturi

A/N- Some of these are really, corny. Don't mind it. Enjoy, and please review.

Disclaimer- This is by my friend Brittani and I, and we do not own the copyright © of the Twilight series.

ways to annoy, provoke, anger, and aggravate the Volturi

1. Tell them you know a secret, and if you told them you would have to kill them.

2. Run around Aro singing the song," Can't touch this," by MC Hammer.

3. If Aro tries to touch you, scream, "Mind rapist, get away from me!!!"

4. In one of their secret meetings, when they are arguing, get a stick and smack it on the ground really loudly and scream, "Order in the court!"

5. Purposely bump your head around Jane, and then say, "Ouch! That is the worst pain i've ever felt."

6. Dress up with fake fangs, and run around their castle singing, "I come to suck your blood!"

7. Show them the books, Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, and Breaking Dawn

8. Show them the stories on .net about them.

9. If you write Aro's name, spell it ARROW, and make sure he sees it.

10. Call Alec and Jane shrimpy, weak, midgets.

11. Ask them if they have a telephone, and tell them you bet they don't since they live in such a little closed up castle, and they are so old

12. Call them things like, old, fragile, elderly, ETC.

13. Ask them if they get senior discounts when they go places.

14. Have Jacob ask Caius to have a wrestling match. Make sure he asks while he is in his human form. When the wrestling match is about to start, have Jacob phase into a wolf.

15. Call them power-hungry, conceited, weak, bullies.

16. Go up to them, and tell them you don't care about any rules, or laws in the world.

17. Write a constitution for them.

18. Write love letters to Alec, signing off as Demitri.

19. Do that, and sign off as Bree.

20. Do the same thing, and sign off as Caius.

21. When he gets angry, blame it on the Cullens.

22. Call Aro, Caius, and Marcus, "inferior to the rest of the world."

23. Call them, "Bipolar, high-tempered Italians."

24. If Aro tries to touch you, imagine him making out with Demitri, or maybe Caius, or Alec, or Marcus?

25. Ride around on a horse near their city screaming, "The volturi are coming."

26. Tell them they need some sleep.

27. Tell Jane that you think she is PMSing

28. Pour glitter all over your body. Then, run around their city in the sun screaming, "Look at me. I'm sparkly! yea."

29. Get Bella to shield you, then summon Jane to a "staring contest."

30. Put a refrigerator full of human food in their feeding room.

31. Ask them to "go vegetarian"

32. Call them stupid.

33. Take out a laptop computer in their castle, and say, "I bet you don't know what this thing is."

34. When Aro touches you, think about the story of the Third Wife, and imagine Aro in the fight with those wolves, and you as the Third Wife.

35. If Aro touches you, imagine him dead, and imagine you having a huge celibration.

36. Run around their city screaming "(random name) has an immortal child.

37. When they ask you who that person is, say you aren't telling.

38. Dare them to walk into the sun in public.

39. Introduce Stephenie Meyer to them.

40. One morning, ask them what they dreamed about last night.

41. Sing the song, "Heartless." around them.

42. Write a paper about all the elements that are in vampire venom, and give it to them.

43. Ask them if they're Amish.

44. Stare at them, and look like you're concentrating. When they ask what you're doing, tell them you learned it from some guard they have named Jane.

45. If they ever threaten to kill you, take out your cell phone, and try to call 911.

46. Wear a big sheet over your head whenever you're around Aro. If he asks why, tell him that you are scared of people reading your mind.

47. If Aro touches you, think about this list.

48. Ask them if their food is "O-positively so good"

49. Get a physical shield, and say you're pretending to be Bella.

50. Tell them you're a vampire hunter.

Finally, show them this list.

I may make another chapter, and it would be about the Volturi finding this list, and what happens. Review if you want me to write that.


	2. Volturi's reaction part 1

A/N- I got 2 reviews, and I thank them for saying something. I didn't think this story would even get anywhere. Actually, as I speak, I am also writing a humorous story about what happens to Stephenie Meyer; she enters Twilight in the story. Well, I am giving you the next chapter because I had a reviewer that asked me to continue writing. Due to how happy I am, I decided I was making a second chapter; the Volturi's reaction to the list!!! I may make it more than just chapter 2, it will probably be more than one chapter.

Disclaimer- My name is Alyssa, not Stephenie Meyer. Therefore, I do NOT own the copyright © of the Twilight Series.

Kristin POV (This person is rebellious, and I think Kristin is a good name for a rebellious person, lol)

I had my finger on the mouse of the computer; my hand trembling in two emotions, excitement, and fear. I was dared by my friend Julia to send this list, so I was going to do it now.

"Press the button already." Julia squeaked from behind me. Julia was my friend, but she got impatient sometimes. I clicked the button, and the message was sent. Oh no, what was going to happen to me now? That was all I could think.

What I was doing, was taking action on a myth that my friend Julia and I heard from my friend Vincent, a guy who loved to tell stories, and we were also maybe annoying some ones at the same time. Notice I said, "ones" not people. Well, the myth isn't exactly about people; it is about vampires.

flashback

"The royalty family of vampires are ones that many fear," Vincent explained to Julia and I. "They are called the Volturi, and they are a large coven of vampires with three rulers named Aro, Caius, and Marcus. They have a lot of guards; over 20 of them. Some of the vampires have powers. Aro for example, can read every thought you ever had in your life, just by coming into physical contact with you once."

"That's freaky," I said. Vincent chuckled, and then continued telling the story.

"So anyway, let me continue. Some people in the guard also have powers. A girl named Jane, can cause you a terrible mental illusion of pain. Another guard member named Alec, can take away all of your senses. Another one in the guard named Demitri is a tracker."

Vincent continued telling the story until 11:00 PM, when I finally had to go home. I heard a lot. Julia and I listened from like 3 PM until 11 PM; we have a high attention span.

A/N (The story was a basic summary of the Twilight books)

Vincent also told me that the story was told to him by this person named Stephenie Meyer. It was really interesting, but it made me want to do one thing. I wanted to see if this royalty was real. I talked with Julia about it, and found out that she wanted to do the same thing. Julia and I looked on the internet for a long time, and tracked down the E-mail address of a rich family who lived in Italy called the Volturi. Because Julia and I were annoying and we knew it, we decided we were going to write a list of ways to annoy them, based on the story, and send that to the Email address.

end flashback

That is what had me here now, just having sent the list of 51 ways to annoy the Volturi out. It was sent right out to this family known as the Volturi. I was scared, I didn't know what was to occur next. I doubted they were really vampires, but I was scared that I would get an angry email back, or something.

Despite my anxieties, I quit the mail program, and Julia and I were hanging out again. We had a pillow fight, and we talked a lot. One thing we talked about was how we were not going to tell Vincent of what we had just done; we didn't know what his reaction would be. We talked until Julia and I were tired, and decided to go to sleep; I forgot to tell you, we were having a sleepover.

A/N- This is not the end of the chapter, but this just is some notes in the middle of it. First of all, I know, this writing style may not be that good, please don't mind that. Second of all, the list that was sent is the exact list that the first chapter consisted of. Finally, you're about to see a change of point of view.

Aro POV

I went to the computer, to see that there was a new Email in my inbox. Really quickly, I looked at the screen. I looked at the subject, it was, "Ways to annoy and provoke the Volturi." It came from some strange Email address, but that was beside the point. Who would ever write up a list of ways to annoy us. I clicked the email open, shocked at what I saw.

(He sees chapter 1 of this story)

I acted quickly. We needed to find whoever it was that wrote this Email. I called Demitri in, and he was there in an instant. I told him about the Email, and asked him if he could track the writer. As soon as he saw the Email address, I saw a flash of knowing in his eyes. I guess his tracking power worked really quickly that time.

"I will get those people if you would like; I already have a sense of where they are ," he told me.

"I would love if you would do that," I said back. "You may want to bring Alec with you; you may need those people hypnotized so they don't get scared, or anything."

"I will," he responded, and walked out of the room.

I was extremely curious and excited; I was going to get to learn what these people were all about, and what motivated them to send the email.

A/N- continues in chapter 3. I hope you are liking it so far.


	3. Volturi's reaction part 2

A/N- Here is the next chapter. I really hope you like it.

Disclaimer- I want Stephenie Meyer to finish Midnight Sun. Wait, um... what am I talking about? I meant to say, I don't own the copyright © of Twilight, Stephenie Meyer does.

Demitri POV

I ran to our private airplane in a second, with Alec. When I asked Alec to come, he immediately agreed; he was curious about these people also.

The airplane ride was long for me; I was just so excited to get to this person. Using my tracking abilities, we found her house. We decided that we were actually just going to land the airplane just about 3 miles away from the house; we knew it would be simple to run right back to the plane after we get the girl, for we can run about 500 MPH if we have to.

When the plane touched ground, we ran to the girl's house. We had to get to her. When we got there, I could sense that Kristin, Vincent, and Julia were there, alone.

A/N- Demitri got their names because in the story, he could do that with his tracking ability.

continuing story still in Demetri POV

It was a perfect time to get them, and take them back to Italy with us.

Vincent POV

I was at Kristin's house, hanging out with her and Julia. We were talking and having a great time, when suddenly, I heard something fall over downstairs.

"What was that?" I asked, knowing that Kristin and Julia probably didn't have a clue what it was along with me.

"I don't know," Kristin replied, sounding panicked.

Several things happened so fast, I could barely figure out what was going on. First thing I knew, I was in the room with Kristin and Julia, next thing I know, I am being carried out of the house by a man. It was strange though, he wasn't only carrying me, but he also had Kristin firmly in his grasp. I tried in a futile attempt to struggle, and so did Kristin. As I was struggling, I felt realized I was feeling a flying sensation. What was going on? I looked, and saw that everything around me was passing by really quickly. I also saw that Julia was being held by another man; also struggling.

In a few seconds, I felt us slow down a little bit. I felt my surroundings changing quickly though; and things were still passing by pretty fast. Before I knew it, I heard the closing of a door, and I was dropped. I looked around, and saw that I was in a small airplane. I didn't know what to do, I tried to scream.

Alec POV

As soon as we were in the airplane, I heard Vincent scream. With that, I used my power to hypnotize all three of the people we had hostage; I didn't want them trying to escape, or being afraid.

Vincent POV

After I tried to scream, everything blacked out.

Demitri POV

When we got onto the airplane, Vincent tried to scream. Right after that, I saw all three of the people we had hostage relax; it was like they fell asleep. I could tell though that Alec was using his powers on them. That was a good thing.

Alec used his powers on the three people we had hostage the entire plane ride, and walk to the castle. They were still hypnotized when we arrived into the room that Aro called us into. The entire guard was in the room. When we had the people sitting down, Alec let them wake up.

Vincent POV

When I woke up, I was struck by only one emotion; fear. I saw a lot of people surrounding me. I was also sitting on a couch, with one person standing in front of me. Something felt familiar about these people, its like I've seen them before. but why would I be with Kristin and Julia in some this place.

I kept trying to think; I was concentrating on who these people could have been. Suddenly, I recognized it. These people were the ones in the myth I told Kristin and Julia; they were the Volturi.

"Where are we?" Kristin asked, curiously. I didn't know what I was going to say, she was never going to believe this. I couldn't even believe it myself; why would Kristin, Julia, and I be here? Its not like anyone broke any laws in the myth, if they were vampires. Or at least, that's what I thought. I realized the only reason we would be here was if we broke the rules; that's what Stephenie Meyer had told me at least. Then why was I here.

"So, let's get down to business," one of the men said. I realized immediately it was the one named Caius; I remember Stephenie Meyer showing me the photos she had that I think were made by her brother, Seth, a really fine computer programmer, and online image designer. This can't be real, I thought. My thoughts were interrupted when that man, Caius spoke again. "So, we received an email from a very awkward Email address. Using that Email address, we were able to find you. Do you know what Email I'm talking about?" he interrogated.

This was all new to me. I couldn't respond; did Kristin and Julia send some sort of Email that I had no clue about.

Kristin POV

The Email. The words echoed in my mind like an endless loop made on Garage Band on an apple computer for several seconds. I didn't know what to say, so I lied.

"I have no clue about any Email; we don't even know about you." Actually, I really wasn't sure if this was a lie; something though told me that this was the Volturi from vincent's myths. He had showed me a few photos he said were designed by Stephenie Meyer's brother, Seth, a fine computer programmer and online image designer. Looking at these people triggered the memory of the photos.

"We know you are lying, and we can find that out right now if we need." my interrogator replied. "We will torture it out of you if we have to." Another man then came into our little conversation,

"No, we don't need to do that. I can just read them, and I will know everything."

"That will work, also," my questioner and threatener responded.

I was immediately struck by fear. Read us? What the hell did that mean, and how would we be "read." Then I remembered suddenly, a quotation from Vincent when he was telling the myths.

"Aro for example, can read every thought you ever had in your life, just by coming into physical contact with you once,"

I was scared out of my head. I couldn't let that man come in physical contact with me; I doubted he could really read my thoughts by that, but I never knew. Some myths are actually true.

My mind went into "fight or flight" mode, as some may call it.

I attempted to stand up from where I was sitting, an run. My mind must have chosen flight subconsciously instead of fight, I was trying to run. Before even a second though, someone was holding my arm in an iron grasp. I looked to the left where the person was holding me; it wasn't the man that said he could, "read me" that was a good thing.

He escorted me back to the chair I was sitting in, and grabbed my hands in his iron grasp.

"If you will not cooperate with us, we will have to do this the hard way," he said.

After that was said, I saw Vincent and Julia both try to save me from this, getting the same result I got; hands held in iron grasps. I tried to fight, but I found there was no use; this person was extremely strong. I felt a wave of bravado come over me Realizing that my legs were still free, I tried to kick the man that was holding my hands. Before I even had my legs come into contact with him, another one had my legs in a grasp.

"Maybe we should tie them up; we wouldn't have to deal with this from them; they can very easily get hurt trying to run," the man that was able to "read people" stated.

In a flash, Vincent, Julia, and I were tied to chairs in a room, with the door locked. I comprehended none of the conversation I heard after the quotation about being tied up was stated; everyone was speaking way to fast for me to even understand. Now though, I was tied up on a chair between Vincent and Julia, with the door closed over, and the man that could "read people" the only other one in the room.

"I'm sorry it came to this," the man stated. "I am going to have to read your minds in order for me to get the information that I need. Its simple, it causes you no pain at all."

I knew the man was trying to reassure us that everything would be fine, but I doubted that. I decided I wanted to be wise, so I came up with a funny remark really quick.

"I.I have telopathophobia," I stuttered trying to hold in my laughs.

This caused the man to laugh a little bit.

"All I will have to do is come into physical contact with you," he stated. "There is no reason to fear me, I will of course keep personal thoughts to myself."

I was extremely frightened with this person. He was a psychopath; all of these people were, I thought to myself.

Before I knew it, the man was to the left of me; his hand on Vincent's trembling one, with a concentrating expression on his face.

"Oh, so you have heard myths, and you don't have any idea about this Email stuff." the man said. "I am sorry I have put you through all this. When I get these other people's thoughts, I will explain the story.

I knew I was next; he was going to read my thoughts now. He walked up to me, in a slow, formal manner. He gently touched my hand, and I knew what was happening. He was getting all my thoughts. I decided I wanted to be wise again; I was an annoying person, and I liked to be that way. I tried picturing in my mind, chipmunks singing "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town,." This didn't seem to have an impact, but I continued picturing it in my mind, hoping I would annoy the hell out of him. It didn't exactly work, he was still concentrating, and I was able to detect small changes in his expression. After about 1 minute, I tried to pull my hand away, but his grasp got more firm. I tried picturing my little image louder in my mind, but it wasn't having an impact, still. He continued concentrating, for what felt like forever.

Finally he dropped my hand, and looked at me.

"You and Julia are rebellious," he complemented, "and you're also extremely creative; making that list, and then trying to sing a mental song while I was reading your mind."

I didn't know how to respond, so I just said thanks to him. He laughed a bit, and then continued to Julia.

"What were you singing?" Julia questioned before the man touched her.

"I was picturing chipmunks singing "Santa Claus is Coming To Town," I replied. This made Vincent and Julia laugh a little bit, making me forget where I was for a minute. Then, my memory was recalled when I saw the man carefully grab Julia's hand.

He concentrated for a few minutes, and then dropped her hand.

"You are both very interesting people," he complemented to us. "Unfortunately, I am not able to allow you to go home; you know and understand our secret from top to bottom. We are going to have to keep you with us." he stated, in an authoritarian voice.

I was shaking, but I had no idea what to think. I knew I couldn't escape my fate now; these people were vampires and there was absolutely no way to really escape them. We all looked up at the man to see a half guilty, half excited expression on his face.

(Two months later)

Kristin POV

I think I learned a lot from my little experience. First, I learned that I was crazy, then I learned that I can't incriminate myself, and finally, I learned that some things that exist are unknown to most people. I had a three-way connecting room with Julia and Vincent. In the rooms, we had everything we could ever need; these vampires really were guilty for what we had to do. I even had a computer, and I spent a lot of time on the internet.

Everyone thought that I died. They thought that I was attacked, and eaten by some animal. I felt sad for the rest of my family, and people I used to love at home; I wished desperately that I could go back for them. But, I couldn't.

One day, the mind-reading man, who now I call by his name, Aro, called a meeting with us. In the meeting, he started by saying how interesting we were. Then, he asked us if we wanted to change into vampires. What the heck, I may be changed into a vampire? Wow. Vincent, Julia and I said we would accept, and a few days later, we were all transformed.

(20 days later)

KPOV

We all had special powers, I was able to make people loose their memory using my mind, Vincent had this way of being able to get answers to questions from his subconscious, and Julia had the power to move objects with her thoughts. We enjoyed our lives as vampires; we were also very sad; we still missed our families. We were okay though, it wasn't really all that bad. I guess I can say though, that we deserved our fate, for we were the ones who sent the Email that started it all.

A/N- I think this is the end of the story, but if you have any ideas, I would be happy to hear them. I will write more if you want; you just need to give me ideas. Also, I don't like unhappy endings; I like all my stories to have a ending that is at least sort of happy.

I hope you enjoyed this story.


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